Everyday

I once watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where one of the Doctors had an aversion to people touching her. Appropriately, that is. I can’t remember what exactly happened, but the Doctor had something detrimental happen to her and Christina (I could be wrong here) proclaimed that an actual human touch, like a hug, really calms a person down when they are in hysterics. Basically it’s scientific fact, or just good television, that a physical hug makes a world of difference.

I’m a hugger. I always have been. Although, I’ve noticed lately that I’ve put up a wall. As I become more and more aware of myself and the situations around me, I trust less and less. It’s a sad state of affairs. I also feel like, because I don’t put myself out there I don’t get heard (bad grammar alert!). And instead of getting heard, I get hurt. By the people I love the most.

My BFF says that I don’t like to ruffle feathers, which is true. I don’t like to cause conflict, I spent months stewing over a fight I had with a best friend. And I couldn’t even go two days without talking to another one.

This past New Year’s I made a silent resolution to myself to stand up and speak up more. To not let people push me around, to state what I want and not settle for anything less. If I come across as a bitch, oh well. I want nothing but the best for everyone, and I am finally putting myself first.

Two people have told me this week to be selfish while I can. Selfish is not a word I like. It describes too many members of my family. However, I will be selfish in the right ways—time, money and ambition. I’ve never been there for myself. I do what everyone else does to me, “you’re fine, you don’t need any help.”

As S, so eloquently put this week: “You come across very self sufficient.”

But ultimately, I’m dismissed because of this. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

*raises hand*

Everyone needs help sometimes. It takes a real person to admit that. And sometimes, you just need a really good hug.

Wake Up Call

My boy has been saying that he would like a new alarm clock that would benefit both of our morning routines. I wake up earlier than him usually at 7 a.m. and he usually awakens when I leave at 7:45 a.m.

However, he sometimes forgets to reset the alarm after I shut it off. Therefore he's been on the hunt for a dual alarm clock. And like most men, he finds the most high tech, expensive one on the market. Apparently the alarm clock has blue tooth...like I want to talk to people that early in the morning. Regardless, it charges an iPod, has a remote and a phone or something. Sigh.

Boy: I found a new alarm clock.
Me: Oh yeah? Did you get it at Walmart?
Boy: No, it has bluetooth and it does all of this other stuff.
Me: (pausing) How much?
Boy: $100
Me: That's way too expensive for an alarm clock.
Boy: (shows me the picture with all of the gadgets)
Me: *blank stare*

I'm not quite sure yet if it can tell time.

To be continued.

Overprotected

There are many reasons why I love Brit, her inspiring lyrics are not one of them. But alas, she is still awesome and I absolutely love this song. I've been singing this to myself for about a week so here it is for your viewing pleasure.

You go girl.

Eat Pray Love

I'm in the midst of reading Elizabeth Gilbert's: Eat Pray Love. And, as a writer I am fully engulfed by her brutally honest portrayl of life's unexpected kicks in the teeth. For lack of better words, depression is a bitch. I've felt all too many of the emotions she beautifully and painfully writes and I know all too well where she is coming from. The great thing is that she had the courage (and the moola from her publisher) to walk away and re-discover who she is/was/wants to be.

While I'm reading I feel like I'm sitting with a friend in a cafe, sipping on herbal tea and she's rehashing every gory detail to me, like it happened yesterday. She engages the reader in no way I've ever read before. I feel like I'm in Italy with her, in India and lying on the bathroom floor.

I am so excited to see the movie. But first, I must get through India.

Little Black Back Track

Sample telephone convo:

Person 1 (answers phone): Hello?
Person 2: Hey!
Person 1: Who is this?
Person 2: Your past.
*click*

Have you ever noticed that, more often than we would like to admit, we go crawling back to the past? Past relationships in particular. They didn't work out for one reason or another but we still want to give it that good ol' college try again.

Old habits die hard.

It could be out of pure habit or it could be that we're all masochists. Or maybe it's the fascination with "what if?" One thing is for sure it's the past because it's passed. Done. Fini.

I made a wise decision a little less than a year ago to not speak to my ex. Ever. Again. I've gotten texts, emails and calls and have ignored them all. In his last email he even asked if I still used the email address. I do. He just doesn't know if I do or do not anymore. It's beyond satisfying that I have stuck to my guns and moved on with my life. For some though, it's not so easy. And believe me, it was.

I just said, "no."

I've had many friends go back to that one ex that they just couldn't escape. There are people like that out in the world, they're hypnotizing and detrimental to our mental health. They'll know the perfect opportunity to text you...just to see "what's up?" Maybe take a stroll down Memory Lane, but really it's just a dead end. Like the relationship was in the first place.

I'm a firm believer in that people don't change, they just get more the same. They may convince you that they've changed and maybe even try out a new persona for a bit, but it will all eventually revert back to what it was.

The question is...do you want to live like that?

Has anyone ever gotten back together with an Ex and actually have it work out?

Invisible

Lately, I've been feeling invisible. Did you ever have that dream where you're in a crowd and you're screaming and no one hears you? Yeah, that's me.

This is one of my absolute faves from Ashlee. Enjoy.

Fearless

As a little girl, I was terrified of Vampires. I used to sleep with a blanket over my neck every night for protection. Little did I know that the blanket would do absolutely nothing in warding off the fang toothed blood sucking dead dudes.

There was one point in my life that I felt invincible. Not in a jump-out-of-a-plane-without-a-parachute kind of way, but that I had absolutely nothing to lose. I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew how to get it. I called the shots and I was blazing a trail behind me. Then-in a snap, I was scared sh**less.

It was like I was ready to jump off the high dive and all of a sudden forgot how to swim. The dead dudes sucked the lust for life out of me and I haven't quite been able to get it back. The "it" in question is also a question. I may have been green, I also may have been naive and my fearlessness was pure stupidity. One day I calculated all of my odds and decided I was better off sitting on the bench on the sideline of life...and my career.

I really wish I could tell you that the date was December 1, 2008, but I can't. I have no idea when it happened. I became extremely intimidated by my own life that I let it walk all over me. I never saw it coming, I just went on-business as usual.

The confidence that had once radiated off of me, the sparkle that I possessed was gone. Tucked away in the vampire's veins allowing him to live forever as a dead dude...with a pop in his step. I used to own everything I did. I was the first in line for the next thing and I was taking no prisoners.

I lost the confidence in myself to produce what I used to be good at. I second guess myself buying a gallon of milk and I sure as hell don't have a pop in my step. In some way, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. My confidence doesn't even have confidence in itself.

My fearless attitude is now a timid little girl. Afraid of the big big world.

How do I get my(self) confidence back?

Vampires...I'm looking at you.