I have to be O.K.

Sometimes I surprise myself. More so, than I think I surprise others. My sheer willfulness and sometimes my sheer unadulterated non-fear. I have this innate ability to jump in feet first, crossing my fingers and kissing the sky for luck. There are times when I immediately regret my decision, but it's a "live and learn" society.

I am very impatient. In traffic. With children. And with life. I want it all now, and then some. I'm ambitious to a fault and nothing is ever good enough. Here is where my conundrum lies...nothing is ever good enough.

I always question myself, second-guess is more like it, wondering if I've made the right life choices: Career-wise, Relationship-wise, Family-wise and Friendship-wise. I've asked myself if I will ever be satisfied 100% with everything, and I'm not sure I ever will be. I'm always striving for bigger and better. Wondering how my life would be if I were elsewhere.

Career wise, I wish I knew what was in store. I know I eventually want to be my own boss. This takes time. Time, which I am impatient for. As much as I would like to think that all of my career moves have been calculated, I can't help but wonder if I am just buying stock in the not-completely-satisfied market. My friend Jaime put it eloquently in a post here, that got me thinkin'. Am I clouding my resume with things that don't support what I really want to do in life? Or more importantly...what do I WANT do to in life?

I know I want the freedom to write. I want the freedom to be creative. I want the glitz and glamor. I also want to help people. I want to make my mark and have people know my name. I want to be comfortable in my assets and be able to make my own work schedule. I would like to be girly and have great associates. And I would like a fair shot at fame. Shallow? Maybe, but it's something that has always been at the back of my mind.

I'm all about accomplishments. One of my greatest accomplishments to date is the screenplay that I wrote when I was 13. I finished writing an entire movie. Granted, I read it now and wonder what I was thinking, but that's besides the point. I FINISHED it. I make a daily "To Do" list and a huge smile runs across my face when I cross things off. It's the greatest feeling.

I would like to think that I am not settling in any aspect of my life but I can't help to wonder "what if..."