I Guess This is Growing Up...

But everybody's gone

And I've been here for too long

To face this on my own

I guess this is growing up.

On the eve of a monumental moment in my life, I want to crawl underneath my sheets and hide. I've never been so homesick and I haven't even left home yet. Therein lies the problem. I've lived in my house since I was 4 years old. When it came time for me to go to college, I opted for the less expensive route of community college and transferring to a local 4-year near by. The NYS Thruway and I became fast friends. It wasn't that I wasn't ready to leave home, I just didn't want to. I had freedom, no one poking their heads in my business and a warm bed to go home to at night.

In the last 2 years or so, it has become increasingly difficult to muster up the balls to move out. Mostly, because I feel a sense of guilt leaving my mother all by her lonesome. I left for a few months in the Summer of 2008 and moved back home in November. The circumstances were out of my control. But I was content living with my Mom again. I had to take a few steps back in order to make a big leap forward.

Robin(crying): Please answer "yes" to this.

Ted: What happened?

Robin (still crying): Can I move back in?

Ted (hugs Robin): Yes.

I do have dreams where I live on my own in a fabulous apartment, cooking what I want, eating healthy and just having a great life. But, in my head somehow, it will only work if all of the pieces of my family that have fallen are in place too.

My family isn't what you would call...functional. I don't know many that are, these days. When my parents divorced when I was 6, I became a make-shift Mommy. I wanted to fix everyone and everything, put everyone's needs before mine and make sure everyone was "OK."

I'm not sure when I became an official adult. You might assume it was on my 18th birthday, but it doesn't happen right on cue. I've felt like an adult my whole life. Ironic, since all I want right now is to be a little kid again. And all I want to do is take care of the people I love. That includes my Mom.

My house has been my safety net. Always will be. But it's time for this little chicky to leave the nest. Again.

"You shouldn't stop yourself from growing up for her."

I guess this is growing up.

Friends VS Friend-ly

I'll be there for you

When the rains starts to fall

I value a lot of things in my life. My friends are a top priority. I would like to think that I have some great ones and that I am a great one in return. Nobody's perfect. I love the laughter, the inside jokes and the way that a certain few always know what I'm thinking. My best friends know the real me. The real me that puts on a good front for the crowd and the real me that has real feelings. Feelings that get hurt easily.

Instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve, I wear my pride. I take pride in my friendships and I treat them like they're my family. I take care of the people I care about and I don't exactly expect it in return. I just expect, respect.

Over the past few months, I've noticed the actual number of friends I have has dwindled significantly.

Some out of distance.

Some out of conflict.

Some out of growing up.

Some out of being too consumed in relationships.

In this day in age, with the likes of Facebook and Twitter taking over our universe, it's impossible not to check up on people and still remain "friendly." Think about it, how many of your Facebook friends are ACTUALLY your friends. People that you talk to regularly and share your secrets with? Do we use the term "friend" too loosely? For my liking, yes.

I consider a Friend, a person who is like family. Someone who I can have deep conversations with about nonsense, someone who is supportive of decisions I make, someone to go shopping with, someone to share coffee with, someone to take an aimless walk with and someone who loves me for me. And someone who won't completely disregard my feelings.

Today, I can count on one hand the number of girl friends that I have. And I'm OK with that. My girls mean the world to me and they know that. I can fill up the rest of my fingers with the amount of people I am "friendly" with. But it's not the same.

To be a friend, you are a friend 'til the end. Not when it's just convenient for you. Not when your girlfriend or boyfriend is out of town, not when someone from your past comes knocking at your door and not when you've completely betrayed my trust.

Friends and I have grown apart and gone our separate ways, but they served their purpose whether it was for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

All for one and one for all.

Your Love is Better than Ice Cream

Snuggling with my boy last night, I made a statement...and he called me out.

Me: You're my favorite thing.
Boy: Even more than ice cream?
Me: Yes...
Boy: I think you're lying.
Me: Well, what flavor of ice cream?

Please Don't Wake Me From This Dream

"When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back
and laugh at the sky." ~Buddha

Top 5 Songs for Summer

There are a few songs, that when listened to remind me of summer. I have whole albums that I just listen to in the summer (LBT *cough*) and ONLY in the summer. It's just something about these few songs that make me want to have my car windows rolled down, the song blaring and the sun shining on my face.

In no particular order:

1. Dave Matthews Band- "Dancing Nancies"
-Sing and dance, I'll play for you tonight

2. 311 "Daisy Cutter"
-My Daisy, make me go crazy

3. Hanson "Penny & Me"
-Cigars in the summertime under the sky by the light

4. Life Before This "Bright Eyes"
-When I saw you, I looked into your eyes

5. Bryan Adams " Summer of '69"
-I got my first real 6-string

Happy (almost) Summer!

An Open Letter

A few weeks ago, on a little show called How I Met Your Mother, Barney and Ted wrote letters to themselves as to remind them of a troubling time, or bad characteristics of a person. They both wrote letters to themselves about Robin, whom they are both in love with, in hopes that when they read the letter to themselves in the future they would remember the feelings of the current situation.

Ergo, I am going to do the same (and I've done it before), but not about a certain person or circumstance just about life in general. So, forgive me if it's a bit random.

*******

Dear Future Allie,

Hi, how's it going? I hope well. There are a few things I'd like to remind you: Good friends don't come along very often-hang on to the ones you have and don't let go. People drift in and out of your life, it's OK, they served their purpose. Walking out on him was the best decision you could have ever made. NYC is the best city on earth-although not everyone is meant to live there. Your Mom really does have a heart of gold-even if she can be a bit of a pain. You have the ambition and the creativity-just do it!

You will regret not getting up an hour earlier to workout. You will regret eating those cookies. Being one of the boys isn't so bad (a lot less drama). Communication with the ones you love is priceless. Sometimes it really is OK to let go. Just because it's on sale, doesn't mean you have to buy it. Travel and experience new things as often as possible (pending funds in your bank account). SAVE MONEY! Encourage others to be the best they can be.

You've grown up a lot in the last few years. A wise woman once said that 26 was her favorite age because she was old enough to know better but still looked good. Don't be afraid to take the plunge. Sometimes the scariest decisions are the best ones. Know that you don't do well on boats. You have the most amazing boyfriend, don't ever let him get away. Stop nagging and trying to be perfect all the time-that shit's getting old. Take more pictures-with the way your memory is...you'll need them to recall.

Sometimes you have to take a few wrong turns to get on the right path. It's OK to admit you have a problem. Rich people suck. Always go with your gut feeling-NOT the euphoria that clouds the gut feeling-go with your ACTUAL gut feeling. You will miss the little things about people when they're gone. Just be yourself-who ever that is. I hope you've figured that out by now.

Also, remember this-you are an great person. And one hell of a walking contradiction.

Talk soon!

Love,

Me

Forever & Always

Forever and always you will be my mother. A ray of light in the midst of rain. A hug on a bad day. Always laughing at my bad jokes. Cooking delicious meals. *Still* doing my laundry. Selfless. Forgiving. Loving. Generous. Always smiling. Caring.

Not only are you my mother, you are also my friend. A friend til the end. The bestest person on earth.

@Odiepalooza on a log in the middle of nowhere drinking beers

You are there for me when no one else is/was. There is no amount of money or love in this world that I can repay you with for the way that you raised me. Hell, I know it wasn't easy.

Here's to you Mom.

Happy 55th

Mayday! Mayday!

There are somethings in life that I need help with. Two of them are having too much faith in people and the other is not being able to let go.

In my last post, I expressed how much I learned about myself at a Staff Retreat. During one of our exercises, my co-workers and I were asked to take a piece of poster paper and write some words that describe ourselves. I put the obvious: Yogi, Creative, Ambitious...etc. One stuck out to me though, and I didn't even realize it until the words spilled out from my fingertips: I have an overwhelming need to help people.

I am that person that will give a homeless man a granola bar on the subway after witnessing him devour a bag of "Dots".

When my stop came I reached in my purse and pulled out the granola bar I had left over from lunch. I stood up, looked right at him and handed him what little I had. He thanked me and I walked to my train, wiping tears from my eyes.

Tears of joy, sure, but also for what I was not able to do.

I find myself in over my head at times. I rarely say "no" to anyone who asks me for help, I also love being there for my friends. My friends have become my family. I don't have many close girlfriends, anymore, I find that I have trust issues and can never let them get too close. I've been burned and it didn't feel so hot. No pun intended.

I've learned enough to know when enough is enough. I also know enough to know myself that I am stronger than I let myself think. And the funny thing is, no one knows this better than me.

My faith in people may have dwindled in certain situations, but I have finally learned to just let go.

False alarm.