Everything else is just life.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Big Girls Don't Cry

Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?

Honestly, it makes perfect sense. A few wise people have said to me, "you are right where you are supposed to be." And where I am supposed to be could be anywhere. Just as long and I'm smiling. Because I love smiling. Smiling means I'm happy.

I've been told that I wear my emotions on my face (as opposed to the proverbial sleeve). At any given time, you will see me smiling. A "hello" smile, an "I love you" smile, an "I've just blocked Michael's bedroom door with the shopvac" smile and the "my boyfriend is amazing" smile. Very rarely can someone rattle my cage, but it does happen on occasion. Those bastards. I am only human.

Normally, I am a very private person. I tell my deepest, darkest secrets to the people I love and trust the most. I have a very small group of friends that I tell everything to and few who I look to always for support and a shoulder to cry on. They love me for who I am, and shouldn't expect me to change with the seasons. I've been taking care of myself since I was 16 and I don't expect anyone to baby me (my Mom is an exception). Therefore, if there is something you have to say to me, tell me. I can handle it, I'm a big girl. I also will only rarely ask you for your opinion. I prefer to fight my own battles.

The only thing in life that I can't handle is motion sickness. Everything else, bring it on!

I've been questioning motives lately. Why do people do certain things that they do and say things that they say. No particular reason, I guess. But there is one thing that I always ask of people, and that's to be honest. I'm not a person who will tell you you're shoes are cute if I think they're ugly. I don't make passive-aggressive remarks to make you question what it is I'm really saying to you and I'm respectful. I shut my mouth so I don't insert my foot and I will be damned if someone calls me a hypocrite. No one should be faulted for being happy. No one.

When I was in the first grade, my teacher asked us all what we wanted to be when we grew up. The kids in class said the usual, Fireman, Doctor, Marine Biologist (yeah, really) and I said I wanted to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. I was a ballerina then and I thought I was destined for the spotlight. I also had a boyfriend named Andrew. We were 6 years old and he was such a babe! We dated exclusively for about a week and then he moved on to my friend Vanessa. I don't remember crying or not liking Vanessa, maybe I didn't share my snack with her or something, but the scenario was anything but detrimental.

Things have changed, I no longer root for the Cowboys (GIANTS baby!), I'm no longer in the first grade and I no longer date Andrew. I have feelings, strong feelings and they tend to get hurt from time to time. I can't pinpoint when, but I started taking life a lot more seriously when I got older. And I also look at friendships differently than just sharing Dunk-a-roo's at snack time.

For the most part, I can make decisions on my own. I like to think of myself as a smart, independent woman. It was recently that I asked far too many people what they thought of my current situation, and I got nowhere. No one could tell me how I felt and no one could tell me how to react. I couldn't sort out my feelings because everyone else was telling me how to feel or what to do. Then I realized that I'm a quarter of a century old and I don't need anyone telling me how to feel or what to do. Simple, huh?

No comments from the peanut gallery, please.

I'll deal with whatever cards I'm dealt in the best way I see fit. I have no apologies for who I am, because no one should apologize for who they are. I like to surround myself with positive, eccentric individuals who give a damn about other people and march to the beat of their own drummer. No one to hold their hand when the going gets rough. We'll be fine. No tissues necessary.


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