That was almost a year ago. I can't believe that it's been almost a year since I felt something so heart wrenching that I blamed myself for everything wrong in my life. He blamed me for everything and I accepted. Except I did something that he didn't expect...I changed.
I don't consider myself a psychic by any means, nor do I believe the impostors out there, I do have this sick intuition that shakes me from time to time and I find that I am drawn to others who share the same feelings. I also have vivid dreams, dreams that, if interpreted correctly, have substantial meanings and impeccable foreshadowing.
A few days ago, I had a dream that *Bob died. I found myself at his funeral looking over his casket. He looked older. I searched around for the family and friends that I had grown to be friendly with after over half a decade together and noticed that none of them were particularly sad. His sister was in a red dress (a la Scarlett in "How to Deal") and I couldn't locate his biological mother.
I knelt next to *Bob's casket. I was upset of course. Upset that I couldn't save anyone but myself. And I did. I took his hand and I swore that he moved a bit, and I thought to myself: "You f*cker."
The next thing I knew I was jarred awake from my alarm clock, bewildered as to what just took place in my subconscious. I wasn't sure how to feel, or if I should call him to see if he is indeed alive. I contemplated and replayed the dream in my head several times trying to figure out what I felt. Then I realized I felt nothing.
" To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you've been clinging onto."
My subconcious was telling me something that I wasn't aware of. I knew I was OK, and that I am sublimely happy in my current relationship, but I didn't think that I would actually bury *Bob, in a dream no less. I do know that I no longer have any urge to speak with him or see him ever again. Unless it's to give me my dog back, but that's a whole other blog.
The feeling I was searching for and have longed for was freedom. I finally feel free of his restraints, I feel free from guilt and I feel free from myself. I feel that anything is possible and the glass is finally half full. I feel that you can fall in love with your best friend and live happily ever after in a great partnership with the utmost respect and support. Relationships take work, and someone didn't want to put in his time.
I can't quite remember the ending of the dream, if there even was one, but there was a lesson and a hidden message I'm sure of it. What that truly is, is up for interpretation.
But it is nice to feel, finally free.
*name has been changed to protect the douche bag.