Everything else is just life.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Are You There God? It's Me, Allie.

As I looked up at the stars tonight, I wondered if anyone was really out there. You know, up there. Listening. Watching. Keeping score. I always felt like the stars were, in a way, protection. It's one thing that when night falls, I can always look up and see. It's comforting, kind of like a confidant. I've wished upon many and hoped for the best.

I have always been a dreamer.

I've also always had faith. Not necessarily in a religious way, just faith-faith in people, faith in God, faith in situations and faith in myself. I was brought up in a Catholic household, my father, a former altar boy turned lectern kept my brother and I at the forefront of all church activities. I didn't mind going to church, and once I turned 18, it was my choice to continue going or not to go. I chose not to go. Sure, I'd make an appearance on Christmas and Easter, maybe even Ash Wednesday, but I wasn't present every Sunday.

Throughout that time in my life I developed my own beliefs and a great relationship with God. I even started talking to Him more frequently. Praying almost every night. I always made sure I prayed practically and not for superficial things, like a new car or a great boyfriend. I prayed for people in my life that mattered, the ones to look out for and the ones that may have needed extra help.

"Say 'hi' to Nanny for me, " I used to end with.

It may have been childish to believe that there was something He could do, but it was my faith in Him that made me think otherwise. Sure, God is busy. He has about a bajillion of us to worry about. But I always felt someone was listening.

Now, at the ripe old age of 26, I'm not so sure. My faith in people has dwindled. My faith in God has remained the same. He knows where I stand. But I've lost faith in most situations and most recently in myself.

I can't pinpoint exactly when my faith went by the wayside, it just has over time. I've been burned by people close to me and it has made me a little skiddish. I'm through with immaturity and people taking advantage of my kindness. I'm tired of people walking all over me. I will be a doormat no longer. I would like to have my faith fully restored in humanity and myself.

To remedy this-I will begin with prayer.

1 comment:

Lee said...

Remember - those who matter to you most (and vice versa) will not make you question your faith! Love!