Everything else is just life.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I Guess This is Growing Up...

But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
I guess this is growing up.

On the eve of a monumental moment in my life, I want to crawl underneath my sheets and hide. I've never been so homesick and I haven't even left home yet. Therein lies the problem. I've lived in my house since I was 4 years old. When it came time for me to go to college, I opted for the less expensive route of community college and transferring to a local 4-year near by. The NYS Thruway and I became fast friends. It wasn't that I wasn't ready to leave home, I just didn't want to. I had freedom, no one poking their heads in my business and a warm bed to go home to at night.

In the last 2 years or so, it has become increasingly difficult to muster up the balls to move out. Mostly, because I feel a sense of guilt leaving my mother all by her lonesome. I left for a few months in the Summer of 2008 and moved back home in November. The circumstances were out of my control. But I was content living with my Mom again. I had to take a few steps back in order to make a big leap forward.

Robin(crying): Please answer "yes" to this.
Ted: What happened?
Robin (still crying): Can I move back in?
Ted (hugs Robin): Yes.

I do have dreams where I live on my own in a fabulous apartment, cooking what I want, eating healthy and just having a great life. But, in my head somehow, it will only work if all of the pieces of my family that have fallen are in place too.

My family isn't what you would call...functional. I don't know many that are, these days. When my parents divorced when I was 6, I became a make-shift Mommy. I wanted to fix everyone and everything, put everyone's needs before mine and make sure everyone was "OK."

I'm not sure when I became an official adult. You might assume it was on my 18th birthday, but it doesn't happen right on cue. I've felt like an adult my whole life. Ironic, since all I want right now is to be a little kid again. And all I want to do is take care of the people I love. That includes my Mom.

My house has been my safety net. Always will be. But it's time for this little chicky to leave the nest. Again.

"You shouldn't stop yourself from growing up for her."
I guess this is growing up.

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