Everyday

I once watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where one of the Doctors had an aversion to people touching her. Appropriately, that is. I can’t remember what exactly happened, but the Doctor had something detrimental happen to her and Christina (I could be wrong here) proclaimed that an actual human touch, like a hug, really calms a person down when they are in hysterics. Basically it’s scientific fact, or just good television, that a physical hug makes a world of difference.

I’m a hugger. I always have been. Although, I’ve noticed lately that I’ve put up a wall. As I become more and more aware of myself and the situations around me, I trust less and less. It’s a sad state of affairs. I also feel like, because I don’t put myself out there I don’t get heard (bad grammar alert!). And instead of getting heard, I get hurt. By the people I love the most.

My BFF says that I don’t like to ruffle feathers, which is true. I don’t like to cause conflict, I spent months stewing over a fight I had with a best friend. And I couldn’t even go two days without talking to another one.

This past New Year’s I made a silent resolution to myself to stand up and speak up more. To not let people push me around, to state what I want and not settle for anything less. If I come across as a bitch, oh well. I want nothing but the best for everyone, and I am finally putting myself first.

Two people have told me this week to be selfish while I can. Selfish is not a word I like. It describes too many members of my family. However, I will be selfish in the right ways—time, money and ambition. I’ve never been there for myself. I do what everyone else does to me, “you’re fine, you don’t need any help.”

As S, so eloquently put this week: “You come across very self sufficient.”

But ultimately, I’m dismissed because of this. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

*raises hand*

Everyone needs help sometimes. It takes a real person to admit that. And sometimes, you just need a really good hug.