Everything else is just life.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Pity Party of 1

I have no idea what I’m doing lately. I’ve been having a pity party for myself in my head for some time now. My eyes have been off the prize and I believe that has been the cause for the disarray.

Last night as I was settling into bed I held my glass of water, took a sip and placed it on the coaster on my nightstand. I took the pillow from behind me and was going to place it under my broken toe, for whatever reason a gravitational force wanted the water on the floor and all over my phone and sheets. I literally almost started to cry. I didn’t see it coming. Like most decisions in my life, I thought I was making the right one by elevating my injured foot. Turns out that God had another plan. I took all of the towels I could find and began cleaning up the water, which seemed like a flood.

I act like I’m this “together” girl, and that I know what I want but I don’t. But I do, at the same time. I’m unraveling slowly.

I’m not sure when it happened, but my career became uno, number 1 on my list of things that I wanted. I want success, happiness and good health. Who doesn’t? I haven’t been able to find it. Will I ever find it? I’m not content answering phones and planning meetings, I want something more. Creative, fun, challenging and in my fields of interest.

“It IS a big deal!!!”

I always told myself that if I was in some form of the Entertainment and Media world that I would be happy. Turns out, that’s not the case. I can’t decide if it’s just bad luck, bad decisions or if it’s me? When I was 23, the world was my oyster. I had many opportunities thrown my way and now they’ve shriveled up to nothing. Sure the poor economy has played a nasty part too. I want my cake and to eat it too. I think I know what I want and then when I get some form of it, it’s not what I expected. Am I glamorizing life too much?

I’m sick and tired of casting myself aside because I’m scared. I’m scared to jump in, hurt people’s feelings and ultimately I’m scared of failure. I always wanted this job that I was proud of, that I was excited to go to and from every day and that challenged me in all of the right ways. I would just like to know that I am on that path.

I feel like my absentmindedness has to do with the uncertain future my career holds. I’ve never been more frustrated in my life with my career, I just feel like it’s going nowhere. I can’t change the past or the positions I’ve held, I can control where it takes me though. Hopefully my experiences have made me wiser and I continue to make the right ones from now on.

MarigoPR RT @OfficialKimora: Don't question the direction ur life has taken,
rather, accept the path that is before you now....☺

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