I am ready to start anew. I did A LOT of growing up in 2009, I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot about other people. It would be almost untrue if I said that 2009 was a bad year all around, but in actuality it did suck.
I loved.
I lost.
I cried.
I gained.
I had fun.
I drank green tea.
I got painted.
I dated.
I yoga'd.
I wrote.
I spent.
And I tried.
I am a huge advocate for doing what you say. For the new decade I will steal Nike's slogan and "Just Do It!" because odds are, I will regret it if I don't do it. So, lo and behold the great 10 of 2010-in no particular order:
Become a size 4. And stay a size 4.
Learn my native tongue. Spanish.
Read books. For a writer, I need to read more to expand my thoughts, ideas and vocab.
Take ballet. Flexibility, grace, elegance and a workout.
Continue playing soccer. I proved to myself I can get back in the game.
Drink the proposed amount of water daily. Good for skin, internal system and thirst.
Recycle. It's just good for the environment.
Smell the roses. Taking time, slowing down and just being.
Save moola. 10% of every pay check is going into a savings account. Credit cards will be emergencies only (new shoes count :))
Stick to a diet plan of healthy eating. Weight Watchers is first.
One more for good luck: Blog more. Besides actual therapy, this blog has proven to be an outlet for me and it feels good.
On December 25, 2009 I became a believer. I became a believer in people- not Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, but of the good in people. And I believe that I have the most amazing friends on the face of this earth.
You may remember a little blog I wrote about how much I hate the Holidays. I still hate the Holidays and I am contemplating converting to Judaism.
My birthday, this year, was splendid. I did exactly what I wanted to do and loved every minute of it. So, in essence, I stuck my foot in my mouth the minute I opened up my birthday gift from the BF.
It was a big box, full of paper, one piece with a special message that would unlock the password to bring someone to me.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
My boyfriend, my girlfriend and Miller all devised a plan to bring my wife home to me from the sunny state of Florida.
Wife.
I get to be with all of the people I love on the eve of a New Year and I get the chance to start off a new decade on the right foot. The one NOT inserted in my mouth.
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Oh, I will also be on a sandy beach for my one year anniversary.
There are many things, in life, that are sacred. A woman's alone time in the bathroom "putting her face on," is one of them. We all have customized rituals, specific products and do-hickies that we use, as well as actions that shouldn't be witnessed by the opposite sex. Most of the male population fail to understand the importance of our alone time in the bathroom. Unfortunately, for most of us gals, it takes more than a shower and a shave to get ready for the day.
This morning, I shared my morning routine with my boyfriend of 8 months. He was brushing his teeth as I applied blush to the apples of my cheeks. He turned away to wipe his face of the toothpaste-using a towel hanging on the back of the door. He turned back and...
Him: "Aaahhhh!"
Me: "What?"
Him: "What are you doing to your eye??"
Me: "I'm curling my eyelashes!"
Him: "Aaahhh!"
I laugh. An eyelash curler is a scary thing, to anyone who doesn't know how it works or what it is.
After a confusing, disturbed stare I broke the silence.
*Let's face it - no one over the age of 14 has watched MTV in years. It should change its name to NMTV (No Music TV) and/or be sued for false advertising. Admittedly, they sometimes put out some true gems such as their recent JerseyShore and one of my personal favorites, Tough Love. I haven't quite figured out if it's because it's host, Steven Ward is ridiculously good-looking or if it's because I feel as if I belonged on there, but I digress.
Tough Love is a show about relationship-challenged women who face Steven and his mother, professional match-makers, and learn how to be more open physically and emotionally to create successful relationships. On the most recent episode, they had a challenge where one of their most deep secrets were revealed in front of a jury of men and after they were bombarded with questions, the jury would either deem them "dateable" or "undateable." One woman's secret was that she had an affair with a married man. She knew he was married well before the affair started and she let it go on for over a year.
She went on to express how she felt a lot of remorse and how she'd never do it again. After all was said and done, the jury showed mercy and labeled her "dateable" solely because she was honest, regretful and mature. It was at this time that I, myself, let out a huge sigh of relief because years ago, I did the same thing.
Some of the details of it all are a bit fuzzy, and not because it happened "so long ago," but moreso because of the sheer shame of it all; I'd like to think I subconsciously pushed it aside. The part that I remember most of the "affair" was the day the line was crossed. I was single and 22 years old while he was married with a family at 34. I often wondered who was more at fault, he or I, or was the blame to be shared equally?
I would quietly critique his every move. Work, home. Work, my house, home. Work, home, etc. He was cautious, but not that cautious. If he was with coworkers and saw me in the grocery store, he'd pretend he didn't know me, but if I was walking him out of my apartment, he would kiss me outside by his car. Not the brightest of crayons in the box. I was very confused about my feelings for him. How could he be so passionate with someone other than the person he exchanged vows with? Part of me resented him for what he was doing to his family. Part of me thought that aside from this, he was a great person. He'd help anyone that needed it - lord knows he was a good friend to me both before and after.
I can't really explain why, but one day it all became so clear: I wasn't gaining anything out of it. I didn't want a relationship with the guy (who wasn't going to leave his family anyway), I could get a booty-call from anyone, anywhere, and do I really want this on my conscience? I'm not a religious girl, but I do believe in karma. At the end of the day, I know I wasn't the first girl he cheated with and I know I wasn't going to be the last. One thing I was going to make for certain - when he got caught, it wasn't going to be with me.
Here we are, almost 4 years later and I'd like to think I've repented! I wouldn't want my husband to cheat on me, so I won't be helping a husband cheat. I also think that it's the eureka moment I had that one day which makes me once again "dateable" just as it had that contestant on Tough Love.
People make mistakes. Some live, learn and grow (me), and others don't (him). We'll see who falls first.
*This post was written by an Anonymous 20-something woman who is "dateable."
I've never been much of a runner. I think I'm pretty fast if I have to be, but I was told by my doctor to never run track. As of lately I've had the feeling I've been running in place. Running and running and running and going nowhere...fast.
It's not quite clear when I lost my footing, I always remember being a bit confused about life. When I was younger, the world seemed so much easier-easier to navigate and easier to deal with. My path was so clear about 5 years ago and there was no doubt in my mind that I would find the end. The end all be all of happiness.
Like I said, I can't tell you when it changed. I used to be confident. I used to kick ass and take names. I was fearless. Or naive, whichever.
I'm stubbornly ambitious, strong minded and strong willed. Although lately, I feel defeated. I feel stuck. And I feel like I can't get off this treadmill. It seems that the happiness in my life can never coincide.
Personal > Professional
For once in my life, I don't know what I want. For once in my life, my creative juices have stopped flowing. I feel bottled up and I'm suffocating. And all I want to do is scream and cry. I've always been that girl to want it all. I do want it all. I want it all, with happiness. Content-ness. Content with my life choices and content that I made the right ones.
My road to nowhere is taking me around in circles. Spinning me into obilvion, and I can't see what's going on around me.
"It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul
Either way, I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?"
