Fearless

As a little girl, I was terrified of Vampires. I used to sleep with a blanket over my neck every night for protection. Little did I know that the blanket would do absolutely nothing in warding off the fang toothed blood sucking dead dudes.

There was one point in my life that I felt invincible. Not in a jump-out-of-a-plane-without-a-parachute kind of way, but that I had absolutely nothing to lose. I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew how to get it. I called the shots and I was blazing a trail behind me. Then-in a snap, I was scared sh**less.

It was like I was ready to jump off the high dive and all of a sudden forgot how to swim. The dead dudes sucked the lust for life out of me and I haven't quite been able to get it back. The "it" in question is also a question. I may have been green, I also may have been naive and my fearlessness was pure stupidity. One day I calculated all of my odds and decided I was better off sitting on the bench on the sideline of life...and my career.

I really wish I could tell you that the date was December 1, 2008, but I can't. I have no idea when it happened. I became extremely intimidated by my own life that I let it walk all over me. I never saw it coming, I just went on-business as usual.

The confidence that had once radiated off of me, the sparkle that I possessed was gone. Tucked away in the vampire's veins allowing him to live forever as a dead dude...with a pop in his step. I used to own everything I did. I was the first in line for the next thing and I was taking no prisoners.

I lost the confidence in myself to produce what I used to be good at. I second guess myself buying a gallon of milk and I sure as hell don't have a pop in my step. In some way, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. My confidence doesn't even have confidence in itself.

My fearless attitude is now a timid little girl. Afraid of the big big world.

How do I get my(self) confidence back?

Vampires...I'm looking at you.

Super Cuddly J.J. Bear

One of my favorite things about living with my boy are the last few exchanges we have before we both doze off to sleep. More often than not, it always leaves me with a smile on my face or a look of bewilderment.

Last night, was no exception.

Me: (snuggling) "I love that you're so cuddly."
Boy: (pausing) "Is it because I'm furry?"

He IS 3/4 Wookie.

In an MMMBop they're gone

Anyone who knows me knows about my favorite band: Hanson. I was that 13 year old girl screaming for Taylor at the concerts CONVINCED that he looked me in the eyes. I had lipstick marks all over their posters, I even had a life-size poster on my ceiling above my bed. My high school boyfriends had to compete with that. It was love at first Bop.

Now, 13 years later (literally half of my life) I'm still a fan. A little less obsessive (notice I said "a little) and I have the utmost respect for their talents. Which, contrary to popular belief, did not end with MMMBop. It was the song that started it all. The questions as to what the heck it meant (MMMBop= a frame of time. BTW.) and finding an ever deeper meaning that, at the time the 16, 13 and 11 year old's proved they were way beyond their years.

The song is really about holding on to the ones that really care, because in an MMMBop they're gone.

You can have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last. You go through all this pain and strife and in the end they're gone so fast. I've learned a lot about friendships in the latter part of my life. There are the chosen few who will be there through thick and thin and I'm lucky to have found those people so early on. I could be too quick to jump the gun, but I don't know what I would do without these chicks in my life (I mean my friends, not Hanson). We laugh until it hurts, cry til it feels better and shop until we drop.

So, on an evening of what should have been my attendance at a local Hanson show at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, N.J. I decided to opt out to write this post about my amazing girls.*


*That wasn't the whole reason, lack of funds also played a big part.

So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
And when you get old and start losing your hair
Tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?

In an MMMBop...you're still here.

Always Choose Paris

Now, let me set the record straight. I used to watch Laguna Beach and The Hills religiously since, well, it was entertaining. However, I stopped when Heidi and Spencer became too much to watch and I don't think I watched any episodes of the last few seasons. However (again), I was sucked back in a few weeks ago watching The Bitch (Kristen) for a good 4 hours. Thank you MTV and your marathons.

What I would like to comment on is this: I absolutely adore Lauren. From the get go I thought she had a good head on her shoulders, a great eye for style and I admired her for sticking to her guns. Not many young gals can come back from making the WORST decision of her life-ie. staying with Jason and not going to Paris. I can't even tell you how many cuss words were thrown at the television.

Although, I couldn't understand what her motive was back then, I definitely understand now. Sometimes (and that's the beauty with life) you have to not choose Paris to let life happen the way it's supposed to. Am I not making any sense? Let me explain:

I was in a similar situation as LC-bad ass boyfriend, treated me poorly, controlling and all that jazz. I had many an opportunity to exit stage left (nothing as enticing as Paris) and I stayed put-motionless in the spotlight. I had the proof that the grass was greener and that there were boys that would treat me better, but it had to go from bad to really bad to "please pick me up from the floor" bad. I passed over some really great guys and some really great opportunities so I didn't disrupt the sleeping giant. I eventually learned my lesson, and so did Lauren.

Fortunately, Lauren and I were able to pick ourselves up and begin anew. She was obviously more successful than I was, with her own TV show and all, but we never let anything stop us again. She has been able to create a nice little nest egg for herself and is an extremely savvy business person. I have bought many items from her clothing line from Kohls, and one of these days I'm sure I'll get around to reading one of her books. I think she's genuine, sweet and smart and she's living proof that nice girls can finish first.

As for me?

The rest is still unwritten.

Under the Table and Dreaming

Last night I saw Dave Matthews for the second time at Bethel Woods, the original Woodstock site. There is one thing for certain, this man knows how to put on an AMAZING live show. This particular time I saw him was different than the first, and by far better. It wasn't the sound or his set list, it was the company.

My BFF is a HUGE Dave fan and her excitement rubbed off on me. It was a great experience to be next to her, so happy, dancing and singing along.

Plus, they played this song:

I have very fond memories of this song. It was the first ever song I heard from Dave Matthews and it reminds me of High School-an old boyfriend used to tease me about my horrible air drumming skills and I used to sing and dance to it with friends during my Junior year.

I told myself that if Dave played either: "Ants Marching," "Grace is Gone," or "Dancing Nancies" I would go home happy. And I did, with a big smile on my face. There are many Dave fans around the world and with good reason. He's raw talent that hasn't been gobbled up by the music industry. He will be around for a long time and I can't wait to see him again.

Summertime Blues

Contrary to the title of this blog, I don't have the blues. I do want the blues, however. Blue jeans. I have a BIG obsession with denim. Mostly designer. I want all jeans all the time. Problem is, I want to be a certain size.

Ever since I turned 26, I've felt that I haven't been able to lose weight as quickly as I put it on. I've always wanted to have this rockin' Victoria's Secret bod, I just haven't had the commitment to do it. It's really hard for me to diet since I absolutely LOVE food. I also love working out.

This summer, I have really been trying to get my ass into gear (so to speak) and really hit my goals. I feel like actually posting a blog about this will really help me stay focused and get there.

Thinking about the physical also has me thinking about goals that I have for myself in general. Including (in no particular order):

1. Financial stability
2. Active ambition
3. Career satisfaction
4. Emotional control
5. To be completely and retardedly happy

I'm very close.

No need for the blues. Just the jeans. *wink*

Money, that's What I Want

Every time I look at my bank account I want to cry. No matter what I do to try to save money, I can't seem to keep my head above water.

I recently took a large pay cut with my current place of employment. I convinced myself that money isn't everything and that I can make it on my own, it will just take some sacrifice. Even before I became gainfully employed again, I made sacrifices. I never buy a cup of coffee at an over priced coffee shop, I never buy my lunch (brown bag, yo) and if I'm driving on the other side of town I make all the stops necessary so that I don't go out of my way for errands or items needed.

I will treat myself to the occasional ice cream or a beer at the bar, but I never go nuts. The last time I had a drink at a bar was probably over a month ago.

So, what am I doing wrong?

I keep track of all of my expenses (thank you online banking) and I haven't bought myself clothing, shoes or accessories in...wow, I can't even remember. My bank account always seems to be depleted. No matter what I do, I can't catch up. I could be a hermit for 2 months and not see a difference.

Twitter friends of mine have suggested to always use cash (@jonlustig) and to stick to a grocery list (@alliemac01), which I am guilty of not abiding by.

How do you do it? How do you save money but still...live? Am I not making enough sacrifices? Should I move back in with my Mom to save money?


Thoughts???

Happy 4th Weekend!

I had to...