Wake Me Up When September Ends...

Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last
Wake Me Up When September Ends

The month of June in recent years has been a month from hell. This past September makes the last 10 years of June's child's play.

To begin our story of the worst September in history we start with the last few days in August when my Grandma passed away. The sadness spilled into September and the grievance period is all but over. She was awesome, but a power far greater than I thought she was more awesome and wanted her to itself.

I fought with everyone under the sun. My boss, my mother, my friends and I had a knock out drag out fight with my brother, something we haven't done since he became bigger than me. It was a rude awakening. I realized at that time that I had my mother's temper and her ability to lose all control of a situation due to rage. Damn Puerto Ricans.

My job ain't what it's all cracked up to be. I tend to make life decisions on a whim and with emotion and so far, it's gotten me nowhere. I'm told to be patient, my time will come. OK, fine. I'm cool with that. But I'll be damned if I am a publicist for a rubber manufacturing company.

I've mentioned before that I have a dysfunctional family, and granted, no family is perfect, but at some point this sh*t's got to stop...After a short dinner with my gf Maggie, I ventured to my boyfriend's house and waited for him to get off of work. My Mom calls my cell phone, I answer.

"Are you coming home?"
"No, I'm at JJ's, why?"
"Oh, well I don't know how to tell you this..."

Nothing good EVER comes out of a saying like that. She proceeded to tell me that my brother had been in a bad car accident the night before and my Dad had taken him to the emergency room. He flew out of the back windshield, landed in the street and refused to let the ambulance treat him. Long story short, the girl was driving drunk on wet roads, lost control, blew a tire, Sean was not wearing a seat belt and when the car hit the rock wall, he went flying. A few catscans and a weekend spent in the hospital later, he's home. In pain, but home. He's alive and that's all I care about.

My head has never spun so fast with everything that has happened this month. I have never felt so many emotions or ridden a roller coaster this long to come to the end with even more confusion. No smile, no sigh of relief, just another shrug of my shoulders to hop back on. It's not over. Not even close.

I've been told I'm a control freak. Shocking, right? That I just need to take everything in stride. A wise woman once said, just take it one day at a time. And that's what I need to do. Just take a virtual chill pill and stop trying to flip the world back onto it's axis. Maybe all of this bad stuff happened for a reason. To make me stop and look around. To spend more time with the people that matter most to me and to repair the damage done by years of no communication. Maybe there's a bigger message under all of the debris left behind.

I'm not done world.

You've just given me a swift kick in the ass.

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when Spring began
Wake Me Up When September Ends

Internal Conflict: One of Many

Some people say that you can be your worst critic, I definitely fit that description. So much so that I frequently have internal conflicts in my head. Sorting out both sides of the story, the good, the bad and how much it may hurt someone else.

That's the other thing about me, I'm a people pleaser. It's in my nature to be, I'm a Capricorn. I'm loyal to a fault and if someone I love needs me, there's nothing that can stop me. Therein, lies most of my faults however. Not faults per say, but conundrums a.k.a internal conflicts.

Basically, the worst thing you can EVER say to me is "you've disappointed me." Point blank. Period. I hate to disappoint, and I spread myself as thin as I can in order to please everyone else. Because I love them, not because I'm trying to win them.

I have many internal conflicts, some are small, some are HUGE, and some keep me up at night. The small ones, insignificant at best, I somehow still manage to waste time mulling over dieting and shopping. Coffee Vs. Green Tea, Cookie Vs. Special K bar and Converse sneakers Vs. $ in my Savings account. The results: I had green tea this morning and a coffee jolt this afternoon, the cookie prevailed over the Special K bar and the jury is still out on the Converse sneakers, but it doesn't look good.

Another issue plaguing my mind these days is job hunting. Granted, I haven't been in my current position for very long and therein lies the internal conflict.

Do I stick it out for at least six months and then start looking? Why should I even be looking for a job when there are people who have been unemployed for months and people who need new jobs more than I? Shouldn't I be establishing myself at a company for more than a year? Does it make sense for me to establish myself when I can't stand the job? Why is there a perfectly good opportunity out there and I can't bring myself to apply because of others needs? Should I even apply for jobs when I'm contemplating going back to school for a completely different field? Where would I work if I went back to school full time?

Here is where the support of my friends come in. They listen to be babble on and on about nonsensical things when I can easily answer these questions myself. The kicker? I can't face the music just yet. And that's OK. Luckily, I'm still young. I have a lot of mistakes to make and a lot of things to experience. I just need the support of others during this crazy time in my life and for them to tell me to go for the Gold. Regardless of the repercussions.

More to come on this topic.

The Daily Jones: September 23, 2009

Hi, I'm Allie and I have a shopping problem.

Crowd: "Hello, Allie!"

I once gave up chocolate for Lent. This past year, I gave up shopping. It was a great feeling. Last year, around this time, I gave up shopping until Christmas and even then, I only bought gifts for other people.

Last night, I was talking with my boyfriend about my upcoming schedule (read: Work-a-holic). We are planning a mini-vacay to Vermont in late November. I mentioned how I signed up for a "Lucky Shops" event in NYC on November 6th. It's an event where you can shop major deals on designer duds, have a few cocktails, mingle with celebs and such. I am going with Meg.

Somewhere between explaining the event and figuring out what weekend in November works best, I blurted out how I'm not going to shop until November 6th.

It seriously came out of nowhere.

His response, "Bullshit."

He's right. It's almost virtually impossible for me to avoid a good buy or a sale. When the two of us walk through stores I put blinders on myself as to not see all of the cute little tops or accessories.

Right now, I'm jonsing for shoes. I'm always the same size, and in no way can I look fat. And since it's now officially Fall, it will come a time in the near future that I will need to cover up my tootsie's.

I'm liking these:


Store: Nordstrom
Designer: Converse
Price: $39.90

Buying these certainly will not break the bank, but it's the principle of the situation. Do I need them? No. Would I like to have them? Yes. Would I wear them? Of course!

If only there were more important issues to worry about. *wink*

Weekend Recap

Friday: Went to visit Sean in the hospital, twice. Not a fan. Why are hosptial's so dirty??? Had a pizza and movie date with G. Ate ice cream, as well. Posted a blog on why I hate technology. Couldn't sleep.

Saturday: Woke up around 9:15am. Brother supposed to be released after third cat scan. he was released after only 2 cat scans. I am in a rage at doctors. Called parents to see if they needed anything before I headed to the boyfriend's. Tore up boyfriend's bedroom while watching "How I Met Your Mother" and proceeded to rearrange his closet. It's still a mess. Ventured out into the mall to replenish what I got rid of in his closet. GAP. Went to Maggie's to puppy sit. Pumpkin was a bad girl. Headed back to boyfriend's, showered then went out for sushi. Delicious. Dairy Queen. More delicious. "Fools Rush In," sleep.


Sunday: Woke up around 10am. Rushed to get ready and get breakfast from the coffee shop down the street. Met boyfriend at Maggie's to take care of Pumpkin again. She was a bad girl again. Got ready for soccer. Drove to soccer fields and proceeded to get lost from my un-updated GPS. Played soccer game for the first time in 10 years. Lost 4-1. Tons of fun, though. Drove home. Showered. Iced knee. Argued with mother about set up of impending BBQ. Mom's useless BF burns meat. Guests arrive. Mingle. Peer pressured by 6 year-old's to hold our family turtle, Mr. Turtle. Gave piggy back rides to two out of the three 6 year-old's. Explained why I don't have my dog anymore. "He's on vacation." Passed out watching Giants rip the Cowboy's a new one.


End scene.

Love is Blind...

You all know the saying: Love is blind. I used to say that love is blind...deaf and dumb too.

If you've read my blog before, you are aware that I was in a torturous 6 year relationship. Something I was unaware of until the last year or two, but by then, I felt it was too late. I also didn't want to give up. Again, love is blind...deaf and dumb too.

I was sitting in the chair, in my younger brother's hospital room (that's a whole other blog post. Stay tuned.) and my father, brother and I started talking about cars. The car, that Sean flew out off was a car similar to the first one I ever purchased for myself. A Chevy Cavalier. I loved it. But I digress.

I mentioned how I love the new Toyota Rav 4's. Plus, my mother is constantly pestering me to buy a 4-wheel drive vehicle. "Sure, Mom, let me just shell out that cash." I also mentioned that I would love to have it in white, with tan leather interior and a sun-roof.

"I'm getting a sun-roof in my next car, since Bob* didn't let me get one [in the car I have now]," I said defiantly.

My father asked, a-matter-o-factly: "Why did he have any influence over what you wanted in your car?"

I was silent. We turned back to the matter at hand, which was my brother's health.

The whole two sentence exchange got me thinking, as to how much control he really had over me. I was the puppet and he held the strings. I didn't know any better and frankly I didn't know I should have known any better.

Despite all of the warning signs, and all of the things I would say to myself. I knew I was blind, but I didn't do anything to correct my situation. I thought he knew best. Like my Dad. Turns out, really only father knows best. I will forever take my Dad's advice, because to me, he's the smartest man I've ever met. Has he made mistakes? Of course, who hasn't? But that doesn't mean he doesn't know what's best for his little girl.

He tries, anyway.

Love is blind...deaf and dumb too. I was lucky to regain my eyesight to truly see the real person and the situation I created around me. It wasn't easy. But it was the best decision of my entire life.

Thus far.

Here's to a road of recovery.

Cheers.

Technology=1 vs Allie=0

I have been waiting for websites to load on my lap top for the past hour. And I have wasted 1/2 of my battery doing so. I'm about to throw my wireless out the window.

Tell me how Google opens quickly but my Gmail refuses? And when I reload a website sometimes it loads and sometimes it doesn't. I wish that it was possible for humans to be this unresponsive and still be someone or something that we "need."

And this is how I'm feeling right about now...


This would be actually a comparable feet considering I own a lap top and would have to possess super human strength to bite through my keyboard.

Blast from the Past: Dating a Work-a-holic

Me: Was my life this busy when I was [in a long-term relationship] with Bob*?

B: Yes and no.

B: You didn't have the added business of dating. Which is a full time job.

I'm fresh out of a long ass relationship. Which, in many aspects, I considered work. And as far back as I can remember, I've always had 2+ jobs. I like to work, I like my work and I like to make money. I also have a shopping problem, but I'll save that for my therapist.

My ex never supported my work decisions, I thrive off of working/writing. I freelance for a bunch of places and I also work in promotions in my spare time where I can make my own schedule. The past four months, however, I feel like I haven't let myself stop. I always say, I should take some time off or I should sleep in. I feel like it's a waste of a day.

As Liv Tyler's character says in Empire Records:






"There are 24 usable hours in every day." 

Besides being confused about my emotions, I also have no time to really think about them. I have let a few relationship prospects go to poo because of my work schedule. It could also be a sign that I'm not ready, and I'm OK with not being ready. For a man to really capture me during this time they have to make me stop. Not stop me reaching for my goals and dreams, but stop the merry-go-round that I've put myself on. I need someone who's just as ambitious as I am, and extremely understanding.

He's out there. Hopefully I can fit him into my schedule.

(via)

*Names have been changed to protect the douchebag.

This ain't a Fairytale...

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late
To catch me now

   Nashville here I come...well, until Sunday.  

Tell Me Baby, Is this Real?

I like to do things the hard way. Always have, always will. When things are too easy it scares me, almost like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I always believed that everything worth having in life took hard work and commitment. Like a relationship.

For six years I put in hard work and commitment into a relationship, when my partner didn’t do squat. You would think I would get tired of it and move on, right? Well I grew tired, but I didn’t move on. That is, until last November. I put too much faith in him and thought that one day he would snap out of it. He didn’t. We fought endlessly about the stupidest things. And suddenly, a year or two into our relationship, all we did was fight. Every word that came out of our mouths pissed the other one off. I got so tired of fighting that I would walk on eggshells around him, acting like the perfect girlfriend when deep down I was crying inside because I wanted things to change. I just didn’t know how to change them. And the thought of me leaving my first love scared me more than I could even tell you. When we fought, our relationship felt real. I could feel the emotions, the highs, the lows, and the pit in my stomach that knew I was fighting for something and that I wouldn’t be taken advantage of. I wouldn’t be talked down to and I refused to be lectured on how to live my life to please him.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was the one thing that held our union for so long, when it should have crumpled from the constant shaky ground. Our dog. Correction: HIS dog. A friend had passed away. My partner was at the widower’s house, I brought home a pizza and curled up on the couch and waited for him. My dog nudged at me so I pulled him on the couch to cuddle, to console, to keep me company in an upsetting time. The dog “was not allowed” on the couch, as my partner in his fits of OCD commanded to me when we bought the couch. My partner came home, to my surprise, and the dog didn’t move. Caught us red pawed. He looked at me with the ugliest look I had ever seen from him, like I had just betrayed his trust. I looked at him dead in his face, “Do you want me to move out?” I asked, tears welling up in my eyes. Silence. He still glared at me. “I’ll be out by the end of the month.”

Five months and a new relationship later, I am happy as ever. He is the total polar opposite. But I sometimes forget that… there are things that I got used to, being in a long term relationship and being single: doing things when I want to do them. I also have a tendency to say the wrong things and not mean any harm, mainly because my brain and mouth tend to work separately and words and phrases come out wrong. Sometimes I don’t realize how harsh I am being until the person on the other end says something. Which could have been the cause for all the fights in my previous relationship, but my therapist and my mother said that I shouldn’t dwell on blaming the entire relationship on myself.

My relationship right now is easy breezy. We were friends for four years before we started dating and it created a sturdy base. We rarely fight, but when we do, it smacks me in the face. It brings me right back to that feeling I had that fateful day in early November. A feeling like I was punched in the stomach. But, at the same time, it also makes me feel like we’re real, as twisted as that sounds. When my current partner and I fight, it reminds me that we are in a relationship. We’re not these two goofy friends who took an extra step and spend a lot of time together. We’re committed. We both have strong feelings. And those strong feelings get hurt when someone like me, says something stupid.

Is it bad that it only feels real when we fight? Can a relationship really be this easy? Am I crazy? Actually, don’t answer the last question. I’ll save that one for my therapist.

"The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh

And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

Allison the Grammarian

I am currently reading The Idiot's Guide to Grammar. I wasn't too keen on reading it at first, but it's starting to grow on me. I've LOL'd on a few occasions and I hope it will keep my interest and help to improve my grammar.

Enjoy the two quotes below.

My reality check bounced.

and...

In the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the 'escape' key.

Here's to a good weekend! Chin Chin!

Reflection

Have you ever stared at yourself in the mirror? Like, really stared? I did once, and I didn't know who was staring back at me. Sure, I had the same brown hair and brown eyes that I was born with, but I didn't like what I saw. Not in a vain "I'm so fat and ugly" way, but in a "how the hell did I get here" way.

I've lost a lot of people in my life: some to the afterlife and some to petty circumstances, neither are easy. I lost my Grandma, Friday August 28, 2009 at 1am. She was one of the strongest people I know. She always knew what to say and do, she never lost her cool. She was cool. The coolest Grandma. For her 80th birthday, she wanted to go ice skating in Rockefeller Center. The next year, she wanted to go sky diving. She had a bucket list, before Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.

I had a lot of long talks with my Aunts this past weekend, and we reflected on how strong my Grandma was. How she would focus on the living, and getting through it rather than sit and feel sorry for herself. So, that's what I did. My brother and I took great care of my Grandpa and I feel a void not being there for him today. He's preparing himself to go through the motions to live without the love of his life for 62 years.

62 years.

62 years of marriage isn't a number we see anymore. My parents were only married 14 years, and that ended messily. The only ones they can blame are themselves, but of course they blame the other.

As I reflect on the situations that surround me, I am engulfed by pettiness and things that no longer matter. I'm trimming the fat, so to speak. My Grandma never bothered to frustrate herself with nonsensical talk and negativity. She would get up and move on. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm moving on. I will no longer focus on the past. Only the future.

Care to join me?