Internal Conflict: One of Many

Some people say that you can be your worst critic, I definitely fit that description. So much so that I frequently have internal conflicts in my head. Sorting out both sides of the story, the good, the bad and how much it may hurt someone else.

That's the other thing about me, I'm a people pleaser. It's in my nature to be, I'm a Capricorn. I'm loyal to a fault and if someone I love needs me, there's nothing that can stop me. Therein, lies most of my faults however. Not faults per say, but conundrums a.k.a internal conflicts.

Basically, the worst thing you can EVER say to me is "you've disappointed me." Point blank. Period. I hate to disappoint, and I spread myself as thin as I can in order to please everyone else. Because I love them, not because I'm trying to win them.

I have many internal conflicts, some are small, some are HUGE, and some keep me up at night. The small ones, insignificant at best, I somehow still manage to waste time mulling over dieting and shopping. Coffee Vs. Green Tea, Cookie Vs. Special K bar and Converse sneakers Vs. $ in my Savings account. The results: I had green tea this morning and a coffee jolt this afternoon, the cookie prevailed over the Special K bar and the jury is still out on the Converse sneakers, but it doesn't look good.

Another issue plaguing my mind these days is job hunting. Granted, I haven't been in my current position for very long and therein lies the internal conflict.

Do I stick it out for at least six months and then start looking? Why should I even be looking for a job when there are people who have been unemployed for months and people who need new jobs more than I? Shouldn't I be establishing myself at a company for more than a year? Does it make sense for me to establish myself when I can't stand the job? Why is there a perfectly good opportunity out there and I can't bring myself to apply because of others needs? Should I even apply for jobs when I'm contemplating going back to school for a completely different field? Where would I work if I went back to school full time?

Here is where the support of my friends come in. They listen to be babble on and on about nonsensical things when I can easily answer these questions myself. The kicker? I can't face the music just yet. And that's OK. Luckily, I'm still young. I have a lot of mistakes to make and a lot of things to experience. I just need the support of others during this crazy time in my life and for them to tell me to go for the Gold. Regardless of the repercussions.

More to come on this topic.