For six years I put in hard work and commitment into a relationship, when my partner didn’t do squat. You would think I would get tired of it and move on, right? Well I grew tired, but I didn’t move on. That is, until last November. I put too much faith in him and thought that one day he would snap out of it. He didn’t. We fought endlessly about the stupidest things. And suddenly, a year or two into our relationship, all we did was fight. Every word that came out of our mouths pissed the other one off. I got so tired of fighting that I would walk on eggshells around him, acting like the perfect girlfriend when deep down I was crying inside because I wanted things to change. I just didn’t know how to change them. And the thought of me leaving my first love scared me more than I could even tell you. When we fought, our relationship felt real. I could feel the emotions, the highs, the lows, and the pit in my stomach that knew I was fighting for something and that I wouldn’t be taken advantage of. I wouldn’t be talked down to and I refused to be lectured on how to live my life to please him.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was the one thing that held our union for so long, when it should have crumpled from the constant shaky ground. Our dog. Correction: HIS dog. A friend had passed away. My partner was at the widower’s house, I brought home a pizza and curled up on the couch and waited for him. My dog nudged at me so I pulled him on the couch to cuddle, to console, to keep me company in an upsetting time. The dog “was not allowed” on the couch, as my partner in his fits of OCD commanded to me when we bought the couch. My partner came home, to my surprise, and the dog didn’t move. Caught us red pawed. He looked at me with the ugliest look I had ever seen from him, like I had just betrayed his trust. I looked at him dead in his face, “Do you want me to move out?” I asked, tears welling up in my eyes. Silence. He still glared at me. “I’ll be out by the end of the month.”
Five months and a new relationship later, I am happy as ever. He is the total polar opposite. But I sometimes forget that… there are things that I got used to, being in a long term relationship and being single: doing things when I want to do them. I also have a tendency to say the wrong things and not mean any harm, mainly because my brain and mouth tend to work separately and words and phrases come out wrong. Sometimes I don’t realize how harsh I am being until the person on the other end says something. Which could have been the cause for all the fights in my previous relationship, but my therapist and my mother said that I shouldn’t dwell on blaming the entire relationship on myself.
My relationship right now is easy breezy. We were friends for four years before we started dating and it created a sturdy base. We rarely fight, but when we do, it smacks me in the face. It brings me right back to that feeling I had that fateful day in early November. A feeling like I was punched in the stomach. But, at the same time, it also makes me feel like we’re real, as twisted as that sounds. When my current partner and I fight, it reminds me that we are in a relationship. We’re not these two goofy friends who took an extra step and spend a lot of time together. We’re committed. We both have strong feelings. And those strong feelings get hurt when someone like me, says something stupid.
Is it bad that it only feels real when we fight? Can a relationship really be this easy? Am I crazy? Actually, don’t answer the last question. I’ll save that one for my therapist.
He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now
I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
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