Blast from the Past: Just One More

I'm not sure if I can do it. Take that one big step. I tend to cloud my mind and my life with things that don't allow me to focus on what's really important.

Avoiding reality? Possibly.

I find myself at a crossroads of sorts, both personally and professionally. I'm on a step where I can take one more and I can move on and work and focus on me, finally. I could also take one step back to revisit and perfect what was once familiar. I'm not sure which step, forward or backward, will make me happy. Perhaps neither. I guess that's the gamble I am going to have to take.

Life has a weird way of timing things. Right when you pick up your foot to take the step, the wind blows and throws you off balance, catching yourself you plant your foot back down on the same step to steady the world again.

My world is still a little wobbly. And I'm afraid to pick up my foot again.

(via)

Are You There God? It's Me, Allie.

As I looked up at the stars tonight, I wondered if anyone was really out there. You know, up there. Listening. Watching. Keeping score. I always felt like the stars were, in a way, protection. It's one thing that when night falls, I can always look up and see. It's comforting, kind of like a confidant. I've wished upon many and hoped for the best.

I have always been a dreamer.

I've also always had faith. Not necessarily in a religious way, just faith-faith in people, faith in God, faith in situations and faith in myself. I was brought up in a Catholic household, my father, a former altar boy turned lectern kept my brother and I at the forefront of all church activities. I didn't mind going to church, and once I turned 18, it was my choice to continue going or not to go. I chose not to go. Sure, I'd make an appearance on Christmas and Easter, maybe even Ash Wednesday, but I wasn't present every Sunday.

Throughout that time in my life I developed my own beliefs and a great relationship with God. I even started talking to Him more frequently. Praying almost every night. I always made sure I prayed practically and not for superficial things, like a new car or a great boyfriend. I prayed for people in my life that mattered, the ones to look out for and the ones that may have needed extra help.

"Say 'hi' to Nanny for me, " I used to end with.

It may have been childish to believe that there was something He could do, but it was my faith in Him that made me think otherwise. Sure, God is busy. He has about a bajillion of us to worry about. But I always felt someone was listening.

Now, at the ripe old age of 26, I'm not so sure. My faith in people has dwindled. My faith in God has remained the same. He knows where I stand. But I've lost faith in most situations and most recently in myself.

I can't pinpoint exactly when my faith went by the wayside, it just has over time. I've been burned by people close to me and it has made me a little skiddish. I'm through with immaturity and people taking advantage of my kindness. I'm tired of people walking all over me. I will be a doormat no longer. I would like to have my faith fully restored in humanity and myself.

To remedy this-I will begin with prayer.

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Lose

I'm not exactly sure when I started to lose my mind, but it happened very suddenly. That's the other thing too...I can't remember. It started with little things like people's names and then it turned into a blank stare when someone would refer to something they said a few days ago, a few hours ago, a few minutes ago.

As far as I know, Alzheimer's doesn't run in my family. But I truly feel that I have an early case of it. I can't remember funny stories, I can't remember dates and I can't remember what someone said 5 minutes ago. It's scary. I feel like I have lost total control of my mind. In more ways than one.

Not only am I forgetful, I can't concentrate long enough on anything to really get a grasp on it. Could I have developed ADD in my adult life? Is MTV to blame? I can't decide if my lack of concentration is due to laziness or if there is some sort of chemical imbalance.

This is my brain.

I can't form complete sentences. Proper grammar, definitions of words and speaking have all proven to be difficult tasks. I'm no longer positive of the correct protocol of how to write a letter, ask someone for a favor or just tell someone that I can't do something.

Is it stress?

I don't really feel stressed. Technically, I've been stressed since 2005. The beginning of the 5th year really wouldn't make much of a difference. Since my sophomore year in college my life has just been non-stop. Going here and there, doing this and that and running myself ragged.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

There's a fog over my brain that has yet to lift. Maybe I just need a muse? A healthy dose of confidence? All I know is, I have to do it myself.

Why Maggie is My Girlfriend

Our conversation via AIM on how we will cleanse on our impending trip to Virginia Beach this weekend:

Maggie: i figure we would both just take one shower on Saturday

Maggie: that way we won't be in the way too much

Maggie: well ok, not together but that would be the day we would

Maggie: lol

Allie: hahahahaha

Allie: people would want that video taped

Allie: we could make bank on that

Maggie: lol o god yes

For Once LiLo has The Right Idea...

Lindsay Lohan: "My new years resolution is to stop letting the lucky few that have my heart, try2constantly tear me down," she posted on Twitter. "2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits, and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!?"

It also might be time for her to consider purchasing a dictionary.


Amen Sista-Friend!

10 for 10

I am ready to start anew. I did A LOT of growing up in 2009, I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot about other people. It would be almost untrue if I said that 2009 was a bad year all around, but in actuality it did suck.

I loved.

I lost.

I cried.

I gained.

I had fun.

I drank green tea.

I got painted.

I dated.

I yoga'd.

I wrote.

I spent.

And I tried.


I am a huge advocate for doing what you say. For the new decade I will steal Nike's slogan and "Just Do It!" because odds are, I will regret it if I don't do it. So, lo and behold the great 10 of 2010-in no particular order:

1. Become a size 4. And stay a size 4.
2. Learn my native tongue. Spanish.
3. Read books. For a writer, I need to read more to expand my thoughts, ideas and vocab.
4. Take ballet. Flexibility, grace, elegance and a workout.
5. Continue playing soccer. I proved to myself I can get back in the game.
6. Drink the proposed amount of water daily. Good for skin, internal system and thirst.
7. Recycle. It's just good for the environment.
8. Smell the roses. Taking time, slowing down and just being.
9. Save moola. 10% of every pay check is going into a savings account. Credit cards will be emergencies only (new shoes count :))
10. Stick to a diet plan of healthy eating. Weight Watchers is first.

One more for good luck: Blog more. Besides actual therapy, this blog has proven to be an outlet for me and it feels good.

Cheers to a happy and healthy one!

Retraction: Best Birthday Ever!

On December 25, 2009 I became a believer. I became a believer in people- not Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, but of the good in people. And I believe that I have the most amazing friends on the face of this earth.

You may remember a little blog I wrote about how much I hate the Holidays. I still hate the Holidays and I am contemplating converting to Judaism.

My birthday, this year, was splendid. I did exactly what I wanted to do and loved every minute of it. So, in essence, I stuck my foot in my mouth the minute I opened up my birthday gift from the BF.

It was a big box, full of paper, one piece with a special message that would unlock the password to bring someone to me.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

My boyfriend, my girlfriend and Miller all devised a plan to bring my wife home to me from the sunny state of Florida.

Wife.

I get to be with all of the people I love on the eve of a New Year and I get the chance to start off a new decade on the right foot. The one NOT inserted in my mouth.

**************************

Oh, I will also be on a sandy beach for my one year anniversary.

Here.

<3